


Heavy Words

by foxygrampaglasses



Category: Free!
Genre: Asexual, Coping Mechanisms, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-06
Updated: 2014-04-06
Packaged: 2018-01-18 10:37:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1425442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxygrampaglasses/pseuds/foxygrampaglasses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A friend requested some asexual!Rin and I delivered. Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heavy Words

Some words were too heavy for Rin Matsuoka.

The sun had long since set, staining the sky a watery mix of pink and purple. Rin sat on the edge of his bunk, back hunched, a book resting gently between his hands. The room was so quiet that he feared his pounding heart might wake Nitori, but as the minutes ticked by, Rin allowed his heart to match rhythm with his roommate's slow breathes.

He wished an even heartbeat was enough to put him to sleep. But some words were just too heavy, and the book full of the heaviest words Rin knew sitting in his hands was enough to crush him.

Rin tucked himself back against the wall, book clutched to his chest.

Loneliness had sunk its claws into him bone deep when he was young, too young. And even now he could feel the seams in his soul where the despair had cracked and broken him. He felt more whole these days than he ever had, but that was no fault of his own. He couldn't take any credit for his recovery.

He owed Haruka so much.

His mother had him seeing a therapist when he was eight years old. He was an absolute quack and had Rin talking himself in circles for a whole hour every week. It was a waste of time and money, and only seemed to highlight how different Rin was.

Rin did get one good thing out of him, however.

"A  _diary?_ " Rin had scowled bitterly at the red hard back journal his therapist handed him. The man nodded, a soft smile on his wrinkled face.

"You have a hard time expressing yourself, Matsuoka-kun. I want you to write in this journal once a week, all the things that are making you angry or sad or unhappy. Write about them." He said, tapping the cover of the book.

The entries were a sporadic, usually five or ten clustered around the same date with a significant time gap between those and the next. Rin didn't appreciate the saving grace his therapist had given him until he was several years older, alone in Australia.

Now, in his dorm, nearly an adult, Rin carefully opened the diary, flipping towards the back to his latest entry. A smaller slip of paper, folded in fourths, stuck out from the binding. Rin rubbed the worn paper between his fingers nervously. It was ordinary notebook paper, fuzzy ripped edges and crinkled in a few places. He carefully pulled it out, unfolded it.

Rin stared down at the phone number Haru had scrawled in haste on a piece of paper torn from his notebook.

His chest felt so tight. His limbs coiled inward, like a tightly wound spring. He didn't  _deserve_  this. Haru hadn't been what Rin needed, but he hadn't done anything  _wrong_. Every fault in their relationship was Rin's to bear, and yet Haru was still offering him an open hand, a safe place, friendship.

The shock that chilled Rin to his core when Haru shoved that piece of paper into his hand clung to him for several days. He nearly threw the number away, but he  _couldn't_. After everything everyone had given up for Rin, wouldn't it be so much worse for him to keep trying to push Haru away?

Rin drew in a slow breath, sighing out his nose. He folded the paper and tucked it back in between the pages of his diary. The weight of his emotions was suffocating, but the words they formed in his head made no sense. Two nights already he'd stayed up trying to translate the gibberish jamming up his thoughts, only to see the sun rise on a blank sheet of paper.

Some words were so heavy he couldn't even process them.

Depression had muddled Rin's memory, sanded it down to nothing but sawdust. Feelings, those he remembered, could map them out like star charts with a pointed accuracy. The anger, the frustration, the despair and sadness and loneliness. But when he looked at it, he couldn't fathom why he ever felt those things, couldn't remember what had dragged him down so quickly.

Here he was, on the precipice of a second chance and a second failure. And if he should fail, would he blame himself for being difficult to handle, or his loved ones for not knowing how best to support him? Whose shoulders should he expect to bear the responsibility of success?

He couldn't help but wonder if a clue might be hidden in his diary.

It was a bit farfetched, he knew, but regardless, he was curious. He couldn't remember his childhood well, or remember what had led up to his emotional crash and burn, but here he had firsthand documentation of his every thought at his fingertips.

And with those trembling fingertips, he flipped to the beginning.

_I'm not sure how to tell them I'm leaving. I wish. They could come with me. But that's not how these things work. All they ever see is me smiling and I wonder if they'll EVER notice how scared I actually am._

Rin turned a few pages.

_My time went up again today. So stupid. Hate this stupid place. Australia's shit. I wonder if. Dad would be upset if he knew how badly I'm doing. Would he be disappointed? I wonder how Nagisa and Makoto are doing. And. And Haru. I wonder how Haru is doing._

Rin knew he was shaking, but tried to turn the pages as quietly as possible.

_I feel different. I feel wrong. It's not because I'm foreign either. That's not it, I know it's not. It's something else. Maybe I'm sick…Maybe that's why my times have been going up. I FEEL sick. Every day. It's. So hard to get up. It's so hard to try. I sound like a fucking looser._

Rin fought the urge to live in the memories, and turned the page.

_I saw two guys holding hands today. I'm. Such a fucking baby. I'm crying. They looked so happy and I. Want that. Is that what's wrong with me?_

Rin squeezed his eyes shut, took a deep breath, and turned the page.

_I joined my school's GSA but. I'm so fucking mad, I STILL FEEL WRONG. I'll admit it, holding a cute dude's hand makes me really happy. I want to do that. A lot of that. But I've noticed…how sexual things are with my gay friends. They think I'm just, I dunno, shy or something. Which is bullshit. It's not that I'm shy! If I WANTED some guy's dick up my ass I'd just make it fucking happen! But I don't! Mom said I'm probably just a late bloomer._

Rin turned the page.

_The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to think…maybe…I don't want to have sex with anyone. There's this thing, they call it, asexual. But that's. Horrible. I mean, if I'm asexual, who would ever date me? It already feels like everyone's pairing up, and I'm only in middle school. Okay well, almost highschool, but. Still._

_I don't want to be alone. I'll do anything to not be alone._

Rin shut the diary, palms pressing it into his mattress.

He knew what came next. It wasn't until he laid eyes on Haruka that the arrow struck Rin's heart, or rather, love that had always been present finally burst forth. Rin hadn't been sure what to do with it, still wasn't quite sure.

Shaken and confused, Rin switched the flashlight on his phone off. He scrolled through his contacts, opening a short string of text messages.

Makoto had left Rin a few text messages the day Haru had given Rin his number.

" _Haru won't tell you this anytime soon, but he says it's fine if I tell you."_

" _Haru really likes you."_

When he first received the messages, Rin had stared at his phone for so long the screen timed out and went black, after which he stared into the blank screen long enough that Nitori had to shake him out of it.

" _I want you two to work out."_

The last text Makoto sent, several hour later, though friendly enough, sent chills down Rin's spine. He didn't want to think about having to face Makoto if he ever hurt Haru again. Makoto wouldn't even have to do anything, the disappointment in his eyes would surely be enough to kill Rin in an instant.

Hurting Haru was the last thing Rin wanted, Makoto's death threat aside.

The idea of explaining his asexuality to Haru, however, had its own implications of certain death. He'd tried explaining it to people before. It was kind of like trying to teach a fish to breathe air. Sure, fish convert water into oxygen, but breathing air? Well that just sounds downright painful to them, who would want to do that! No, you're just not in the water enough obviously. Just keep your head under, don't worry, you'll figure it out if you just breathe in enough water!

Rin wanted to turn Haru down so badly.

But oh how Rin's heart  _ached_  for Haru. He knew it was easier said than done, but Rin would do anything for Haru. He owed Haru so much more than he could ever give. If Haru asked for sex, Rin would give it to him.

Whatever it took, he wanted to make Haru happy.

The summer was just coming to an end, but still warm enough that Haru kept the shutters open. They sat on the small porch, watching the wind rustle the grass. Rin knew he was being painfully quiet, but Haru wasn't helping at all.

He tugged at his wide shirt collar, rubbed his dark jean clad knees together, snapped the bracelet around his wrist once, twice, three times, took it off and started twirling it between his fingers. He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he peaked through the strands of red hair in his face, a blush blooming on his cheeks when he met Haru's eyes.

They stared.

Haru sighed, the first to drop eye contact. His lips trembled.  _Heavy words_ , Rin thought.

"Thanks for coming." Haru said, side eyeing Rin as he, very hesitantly, rested his hand in the space between himself and Rin. Rin's heart burst into a heavy beat at a dizzying speed, and without truly meaning to, the hand he set out to brace himself conveniently fell perfectly atop Haru's.

Rin tore his hand back with enough force to throw his equilibrium off, falling back on his elbows. Haru froze, eyes wide, breath still.

"Rin…?" it was just a whisper, but it sounded so loud to Rin, even with the several yards between him and Haru. Rin felt like he was drowning.

"S-Sorry I-" He sat up, eyes darting around, searching for excuses. "Haru it's just-Makoto-"

"I know, I told him to say it." Haru said, the slightest pinch in his eyebrows. "Sorry." His eyes fell to his lone hand. Rin's breath was caught somewhere in his throat. He pushed himself up, scooting back to where he had been originally.

"Why are  _you_  apologizing?" Rin asked, a gentle glare on his face. Haru flicked his eyes to Rin, then back to the grass. There was a long pause before Haru drew a deep breath and spoke.

"I shouldn't let someone else speak for me like that." He said.

"I don't think you have anything to be apologizing for…" Rin shook his head, gaze falling back to Haru's hand. "I. Like you too." He mumbled.

"What did you say?" Haru's head snapped to face Rin, a serious look in his eyes. Rin's cheeks were absolutely  _burning_. He coughed, fought to look Haru in the eyes.

"I  _said_ -" He took a breath to clear the glare off his face. "I like you too."

Haru's mouth hung open for a beat. "You-You do?" He asked. If Rin didn't know him better, he might think Haru looked  _angry_.

"YES I do, don't make me say it anymore!" He yelled, folding his hands and gritting his teeth.

Rin wondered how it was possible that his heart could beat so hard and so  _fast_. He was an athlete and no stranger to the strength of the heart, but this was ridiculous. Despite his reservations about the future of this relationship, Rin had hoped this moment would have felt a bit sweeter. But Haru's eyes were dark and cold, perhaps even scared?

"…Haru?" Rin asked. Haru flinched, but his eyes fell. Rin hushed the butterflies in his stomach and took the plunge, placing his hand over Haru's once again (this time by choice). "I said  _I like you too_ , why the heck do you look so  _sad?"_

When Haru met Rin's eyes, there was certain resolve apparent in them. His fingers curled tightly around Rin's. He almost looked heartbroken.

"I'm being selfish." He sighed, fingers relaxing, but not pulling away. Rin frowned.

"What? For liking me? Th-That's not selfish." He said, wrinkling his nose. He'd forgotten how difficult Haru could be.

"We've. Gone through a lot together." Haru said. He spoke slowly, carefully piecing together the syllables of a complete thought. Rin's chest felt like it was on fire, he inched closer to Haru.

"Listen Haru, you-you've done so much for me. I owe you, so much." Rin bit his lip, hesitating.

"Do you think I'm hot?" Haru asked.

The question caught Rin so far off guard it took him a minute to process.

This was too sudden. Sex was something that would have to come up  _eventually_ , but right fucking now?  _Seriously?_  Rin glared.

"W-Why should that matter?" He asked, instantly regretting it. Haru's eyes were so steady, ice cold, Rin thought he might be dreaming.

"You don't think I'm hot?" He asked. Rin gulped, but his mouth was dry.

"You didn't answer me! Why should that matter, huh?" He asked, effectively nailing his own metaphorical coffin shut. Rin hadn't even taken his second chance with Haru, and he was already ruining it.

Haru's hand very slowly, very carefully, squeezed Rin's. He looked winded, and Rin  _felt_  winded. Was there any air left at all between the two of them?

"I don't think you're hot either." Haru said.

And just when did their shoulders start touching? When did their fingers lace? When did their hearts start beating in sync?

"You don't want to…?" Rin couldn't say it, but Haru seemed to know.

It was some kind of mystical event when the corners of Haruka's lips perked up into the gentlest smile Rin had ever seen. He shook his head, butting it against Rin's.

"Not now. Probably not ever." He whispered, his breath hitched. "And…do you want to have sex?"

Rin nuzzled his forehead against Haru's, tangling red and black hair together. He felt absolutely high and had no intention of coming down anytime soon.

"Yeah, no, me too. I don't think. I ever want to." He said.

Rin was sure the combined heat between the both of them was enough to set the whole house on fire, but somehow, the wind just wrapped around them and let them burn on. And when they could both breathe again, Rin was the first to speak.

"Could I…hug you?" Rin asked, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed for asking. Haru smiled, leaning forward.

"Thank you for asking." He whispered.

They fell in a heap on the grass, Haru tucked in Rin's arms.

There was a lot neither of them knew for sure. Boundaries needed to be mapped out, and compromises would have to be made, but if Rin could keep making Haru smile like that, it was beyond worth the effort.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been stuck in a nasty writers block but when my dear friend asked for ace!Rin I had to break out of it and give it to them! It's really exciting to see people asking for asexual fanfiction and it makes me really happy. U uU
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! I haven't given up on my other fics, if you're wondering. I can't say when I'll update them because life is unpredictable right now, but they will be updated eventually!
> 
> -FoxyGrampaGlasses


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